


i want to go home (there's no starbucks in space)

by derheck, Supreme_Goose_Overlord



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Crack, Diary/Journal, Gen, I'm sorry?????, the dad monologues, there will be a more legit version of this eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-07
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-13 13:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7978546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/derheck/pseuds/derheck, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supreme_Goose_Overlord/pseuds/Supreme_Goose_Overlord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deer diary,<br/>I seem to have acquired like 5 children lol. I think I am too young to be a dad.  I am only like a level 9 adult.  Send help.<br/>Love,<br/>Shiro</p>
<p>Or: in which we get a glimpse into the mind of our fearless space dad</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter one has nothing to do with rhubarb

**Author's Note:**

> we havent written anything together in years lol
> 
> there will also probably be more
> 
> (edit 9/7/16 (aka THe DAY of publishing rip): added some quality artwork yo)

Deer diary,

I seem to have acquired like 5 children lol. I think I am too young to be a dad. I am only like a level 9 adult. Send help.

Love,  
Shiro  
PS real talk like i still can’t do my taxes alone lol rip  
PPS. what if being in space like messes with their bladders and we have to potty train again. Where would i get diapers. Do they even sell diapers in space.  
PPPS. oh no what if they get a space cold and theres no space pharmacies that sell space nyquil  
PPPPS. WILL ANY OF THEM NEED SPACE TAMPONS??? I DONt KNOW AND IDK WEHERE TO GET THEM  
PPPPPS. :(

\-------------------

Deer dairyyeary,

2day i had to put keith in time out for stabbing lance with a spoon.  
To be fair, lance should know that keith is not a morning person and that hes v overprotective of his cereal

I knew going into this job that parenting would be hard at times. Wikihow said being strict is necessary sometimes and that all the troubles will be worth it in the end.

Fml tho because now he’s ignoring me

:(,  
Shiro

\-------------------

Dear Dairy,

The kids were talking about what they miss most from Earth. Lance said his HAM (home), Hunk said food… Pidge said her family. Keith was silent bc hes tryin to be cool or some shit lol i see thru that .

But no one asked me what I missed the most tho.

I miss the memes, man.

Speaking of,,, I MISSED OUT ON AN ENTIRE YEAR OF MEMES. And are any of my children offering to catch me up??? No :(((((

#dickoutforharambe,  
Takashiro-kun

\-------------------

Dear dirarry,

I can’t believe keith is a fuckign furry

I need a drink. Or twelve,  
Shir

\-------------------

Dear diarrhea,

Guess what i have.

Fucking space food. (pidge is yelling “watch ur goddamn language” in the background)  
…...shit (haha get it)

-urs from the john,  
Shiro

PS. i am realizing now that the wording is unclear. Yes, i have fucking space food, but i also have diarrhea, given to me by said space food

\-------------------

Dear daria,

There arent any cartoon broadcasts in space

Where tf are my teen titans reruns. My saturday morning ritual is ruined.

>:(

Faithfully urs,  
Shi-yoyo

\-------------------

Dear Dalia,

The kids keep insisting I read them bedtime stories and tuck them in. They’re starting to accept me as their space dad. I’m so happy.

Unfortunately, they did not seem to appreciate my retelling of My Immortal. Fuckin preps.

Always and forever xx,  
Shiro

\-------------------

 LOG DATE 09/25/XX

SHIRO IS A NERD PASS IT ON

BUSH DID PEARL HARBOR RAMEN NOODLES CAN’T JET MELT BEAMS

BRITISH IMPERIALISM WAS AN INSIDE JOB

-PIDGE

\-------------------

;),

whaaat omg nobody told me shiro kept a diary??? Man wtf. What tee fuh. I want a dad refund?? Petition to elect allura as new and improved space dad bc obvs this one is faulty, keeping secrets nd shit. U dont keep secrets from family

:’(,  
DJ Lancelot

\-------------------

Dear Shiro,

I love u dad

Luvvv,  
Hunk

\-------------------

Dear dairy queen,

All of my children are grounded.

Urz,  
S  
PS. I may or may not have copied that drawing and framed it. It’s in my room.

\-------------------

Shiro,

What the hell. I didn’t have anything to do with this.

Keith

\-------------------

Dear diary…

I just walked in on lance  
He was uhm

 

……… making out w his hand. ?????  
I saw black hair so i think he was pretending it was keith.

I might have to give him the talk.

:\,  
Shiroom  
PS. nvm it was keith. lmao i forgot to put in my contacts, whoops  
PPS. shit this means i have to give both of them the talk

\-------------------

Update on the Talk: they did not appreciate the diagrams and pamphlets i painstakingly made :(


	2. electric boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ...........blaze it (word count ayyy lmao)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we wanted to update  
> and   
> this happened
> 
>  
> 
> BTW DRAWINGS ADDED TO CH1!!!!!! CHECK THAT SHIT OUT AND HIT THE MF LIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!

dear charles fuckign darwin,

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

Yellow, black. Yellow, black.  
Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

Ooh, black and yellow!  
Let's shake it up a little.

Barry! Breakfast is ready!

Coming!

Hang on a second.

Hello?

 

Barry?

 

Adam?

I’m so tired

Naked and afraid,  
Shikiro Shikiro 

\-------------------------------

Dear doritos™ ,

Pls come to space

Thank,  
Neck beard shiro  
PS bring mountain dew and my little pony body pillows

\-------------------------------

Dear John,

Ur my fave nic cage movie 

Con Air aint shit

Goodbye, John  
Shirolock Holmes

\-------------------------------

Dear deary, 

Lancelot almost got blown up and he is dying and he is dead i am a terrible father :’(

rip Lance 1932-1416 (wibbly wobbly timey wimey)

Luv,   
Me (shiro)

\-------------------------------

Dear Dar,

Nvm he’s fine lol

He was like fuckin sleeping beauty and keith was the prince and they held hands (gay) and he woke up (gay) and everything was fine (gay)

Shir  
PS. allura grounded me for writing while there was a paladin bleeding out at my feet smh how was i supposed to know he was so fukkin wishy-washy when it came to dying. Like make up ur mind bro :(

\-------------------------------

Dear dottie, 

I have decided that I will categorize the paladins as memes, both based on personalititty and appearance 

Lance: tfw no gf  
Keith: fire goose  
Pidge: dat boi  
Hunk: bread cat

Much a moray eels,   
Shiro  
PS: Keith and Lance combined is that hold my flower meme 

\-------------------------------

Dear dischargé, 

You know when lacne and keith were bickering after Lance came back to life and he was like “I shot Sendak’s arm off!!!” that was a LIE. pidge cut off his arm pleas e and thank u, don’t snub my space daughter like this

Luff,   
Shiró

\-------------------------------

Dear disco, 

The kids keep teasing me for being a conspiracy theorist?? Like they can’t see the fuckin truth smh what are they teaching kids these days pidge is the only one who understands

Anyways, Here’s my list of fave conspiracy theories:  
1- that thing saying the moon landing was faked lmaoooo  
2- THE MANDELA EFFECT !!!!!!   
3- the conspiracy theory theory  
4- denver airport is a gateway to hell  
5- pennsylvania isn’t real  
6- bottoms up and the devil laughs

Love (if it’s even reel),   
Shirogam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> text excerpt:  
> B: even if memelover64 is our only reader i will update this  
> L: dicks out for memelover64
> 
> [later]
> 
> L: BRENDA IT'S MEMELORD NOT LOVER  
> B: FUCK  
> B: FAKE FAN  
> L: DICKS BACK IN, MEMELOVER64 DOESNT EXIST  
> B: Balls out for memelord64


	3. nikola tesla's pigeon girlfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (alternate title: brenda has a heavy political bias regarding one direction and laura just spilled chocolate milk on the kitchen floor)

hey jud(iary)e,

I’m gonna make it sad?? Rover was a total bro tbh. like i know it (they??? What are the proper pronouns for tiny robotgs) kinda straight up murdered a guy but thats fine bc i, too, straight up murdered a guy once

actually i murdered several guys in tournament style fights to the death it was. upsetting :’(

RIP rover and also those guys i murdered, u were all young and innocent and i loved u

there are teardrops on my guitar (it’s actually lance’s banjo i stole it),  
Shikiro Neal

\-------------------------------

Dear matt damon,

Ukuleles are problematic: explain.

Also idk how you did u survive on mars for like 20 years. It;s been like…. months?? here and I cannot :-)

just dance (not gonna be ok),  
Shiniro Twain

\-------------------------------

Dear Delaware judicial system,

It keeps me up at night knowing that mankind never landed on the moon

Or at least thats what i think sometimes? Like i wasnt alive i wasnt IN on it how the fuck would i know honestly… but like evidence wise it’s pretty solid. Like… technology wasnt THAT advanced??? Maybe??? Like sure it was advanced but go to the moon advanced??? Not sure… PRETEND TO LAND ON THE MOON AND FILM IT ADVANCED??? Dolfinitely. 

I hope ur happy knowing this honestly makes me cry in frustration like… it’s like that time i forgot how the earth worked and i thought we were just isLANDS FLOATING ON A WATER ORB???

kerberos was totes legit tho. i was there, it happened to me. some other guys were there too lmao (i miss them they were my friends ;-;)

power buttom….

thanks,  
p shiroman 42 wallaby way sydney

\-------------------------------

Dear John ™ by Taylor Swift ™ , not the Nic Cage movie, 

Pidge heard me singing one direction in the shower :\ she told me she could never be seen in public with me again lmao rip, like there’s actually anyone important here in this space castle (thats a lie allura is very important i want her to benchpress me while we talk about flower arranging)

But anway like wtf i cant believe my own child cant appreciate the ingenuity and shit that is one direction…. Like….. Please anyone and everyone should just listen to stockholm syndrome… because it’s revolutionary. But like also … 18… and ready to run.. Story of my life.. Happily.. Where do broken hearts go.. Spaces… i’m not sayng listen to their whole discography but like. I’m not saying don’t. 

XOXOXO,  
Shirodon cooper (i can’t type that with a str8 face my entire soul just left my body and i need a shower goodblu E)

\-------------------------------

Dear dmitri hvorostovsky,

In all honesty nyan cat was, from an unbiased perspective, the Purest™ and Least Problematic™ of memes. and now, here i am, leading a gaggle of weird teenagers in giant nyan cats through the cosmos. 

life imitates art………………

c u l8er sk8er boi,  
Slurmp 

\-------------------------------

My Dude,

How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Arent Real

Keith was lke “shiro shut the fuck up it’s ass o’clock in the figurative mornign and we just got done fighting for our lives" and I was like…. When I Die. Then You Will Realize.

then he crashed his lion into mine like a little shit, i need 2 contact my space lawyer to see if u can disown bratty kid brothers

remember that time i accidentally left him under the kitchen sink for three hours, that was a Time™ ,  
jaden shiro  
P.S. can u get sued for copyright infringement in space. i hope not :/ i’ll ask my space lawyer just in case  
P.P.S. imagine how is touch the sky

\-------------------------------

Dear Diary,

….. So, Pidge was telling everyone about my love for One Direction. And Lance was like “shit same man, i love them. Too bad Zayn left.” I was like haha yeah that would suck if he did that and then he was like … he did???

And I , just very quietly and… softly went “what.”

And he just filled me in. On everything. So so much happened when I was gone.   
One Direction… died. Like… I love them all. But all five of them were One Direction… and now there’s four- hOLY SHIT. W8. JUST A HOT SECOND. WAS THE FOURTH ALBUM, TITILED “FOUR” IN ALL CAPS AND UNDERLINED… WAS THAT A FUCKING WARNING.

I;m like dying inside but also i need to find out what they were trying to tell us. Niall titled it , I trust him. He would tell us. Like i’m sure theyre all like.. Victims of some big corporate scheme.

FUcking SImon Cowell.

.xx,  
What Makes You Shiroful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chat excerpt:
> 
> L: stop heternormatizing vincent van gogh


	4. aggressively enforced hunk appreciation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hydrate or die-drate

hey there delilah,

aaaaaa!!!!! pidge told the rest of the team that she is a girl and i am Proud™ and they all reacted well so i don’t even have to ground anyone i love my tiny space daughter and all of my space children So Much. maybe this job isn't so bad after all :)

love,  
ShiroVEVO

p.s : keith was like yeah lance we all knew duh but i’m like 200% sure he didn’t know shit and he was just saying that to make Lance feel stupid or something?? i’m on to u……….

——–——————————

dante basco,

hunk is honestly such a good kid like why dont we all appreciate hunk more. i hereby declare 2day as Intergalactic Hunk Appreciation Day (alas i cannot have every day as hunk appreciation day bc my other children would get upset with me)

we are getting ready to leave for tge balmera adn i am v excited to meet shay she sounds very sweet and kind also i’ve never met a talking rock before and i like want to give her the shovel talk bc u cant hurt hunk it’s ILLEGAL but also like……….. Shay probably wouldnt hurt him???? Idk man but theyre like my otp or something

lance is making weird noises again i must go 

stay beautiful,   
Shiropay Evans 

——–——————————

Dear Diary,

why do vampires like baseball??

they love to play with bats! haha :-)

Kisses,  
Shiro

P.s i’ve been hoping to stumble upon like ,,, space Twilight . But no luck :( #TeamBella

 

——–——————————

Dear Diary,

what is a duck’s favorite snack??

quackers! haha :-)

Kisses,  
Shiro

——–——————————

Dear Dude™ ,,,

I am disappoint in my son, the incredible Hunk :(

I have raised him to be nice and polite and a great amazing fantastic person…. But he is being very rude to our new alien friends and just… Hunkathew, what am I gonna do

I guess……..

It is no longer Hunk Appreciation Day………………. 

Also i am not crying as i write this, my eyes r sweating and like ruining my eyeliner

W sad luv,   
SH1R0? ;)

P.S. they do not have taco bell in space, i might be crying

——–——————————

UPDATE::: I AM A FOOL I take back every bad thing i have ever said about hunkle stan i am undeserving of the title of the head of voltron. I am more like. the wrinkly perineum of voltron

#TrustHunk2kAlways

——–——————————

Upd8 2.0: i would just like to clarify that i am not t he only Fool™ at this rodeo, my small awkward space teens are GUILTY. at least i can take solace in the knowledge that i did not 1. get chained to a tree by a banana, or 2. be deceived by stoned purple alien butt attached to stoned purple alien man w/ a wrench (im lookin @ u keith,........ (rather i was deceived by the stoned purple alien man. as a whole (why are my children so thirsty))).

…… hydrate or diedrate 

——–——————————

Dear Diary,

what is a mouse’s least favorite type of weather??

when it's raining cats and dogs! haha :-)

Kisses,  
Shiro

P.s why is it that a mouse is scared of cats and shit and like…. An elephant is scared of a mouse??????? do mice eat elephants

——–——————————

Dear Diary,

what sound woke Sally up yesterday morning??

the crack of dawn! haha :-)

Kisses,  
Shiro

——–——————————

My Beloved Darlene,

if quintessence has been able to keep his body healthy and livign for ten thousand years, do you think zarkon can still get it up??? asking for a friend

Sinshiroly,  
Me  
P.S. power buttom

——–——————————

Dear Diary,

what is a door when it’s not a door??

ajar! haha :-)

Kisses,   
Shiro

P.s that one was truly awful and i apologize except not really it’s fucking hilarious

——–——————————

Dear Diary,

why did sheila arrange her pennies in a circle??

to make ends meet! haha :-)

Kisses,  
Shiro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> B: im so hungry i want taco bell  
> L: i cannot get u taco bell  
> B: it ok  
> L: do u have. cereal  
> B: yes  
> L: eat the ceral  
> B: i want real food rn tho lmao  
> L: since when is taco bell real food  
> B: ok like............... thats fair  
> i mean  
> non cereal food  
> also like i want chicken  
> like just......... fucking chicken  
> L: i have chikcne  
> i will mail it to u
> 
> To anyone curious, Brenda did get cereal and she also put ice in it
> 
>  
> 
> Popsicle joke citations: “Popsicle Stick of Popsicle Brand Popsicles.” Popsicle, Laura’s Freezer, 2016.


	5. brenda is tired and gay. laura is tired and gay. keith is tired and gay. We are all tired and gay.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's been like thirty years idk lmao
> 
> we have a tumblr now....! check it out at spacestarbucksbts.tumblr.com for cool behind the scenes info (aka us talking shit about how the other writes rip)
> 
> (((also laura (that's me) runs daysuntilvoltron dot tumblr dot com, check it out so u kno w exactly how many days are left until vld season two...........)))
> 
> EDIT about seven minutes after posting: shoutout to ajkal2 for reminding us that the chonce guy exists!!! we love u this chapter is dedicated to u

im crying

Dear Tonald Drumpf,

i can feel u oozing ur gross slimy slime over all that is good and pure in the world all the way from space. Stop that

go 2 time ouit

Eat my ass

Formally yours,  
Takashi Shirogane

——–——————————

Dear derierre

I miss cereal

Fml,  
Shirt

\-------------------------------------

Dear diana ,

so……... all of made in the am is like

sooooo good ???????? like yes i’m sad as fuck that theyre singing without fuckni zayn but like fucking it s so goood

Drag me down? ICONIC. Infinity? The sort of music i wanna listen to while driving down a lonely road at night. End of the day? LESBEANS. Olivia?? HARRY STYLES OWNS MY ASS (sorry allura). AM?? They said ass.

Also, like i’m realzig now that also a lot og the songs are about zayn leafing rip me bye  
Luffff,  
Sharo 

Ps. i cant believe my little brother is a meme :’) his “what the fuck is a chonce” … scream.. Yell is famous. I’m so proud. Thank u lance for bringing this to my attention.

\-------------------------------------------

Dear

What is the weirdest song you’ve twerked to?

Like

Ur a diary so u cant twerk, i know this…… but the question still stands

Lance said he twerked to the sesame street theme

Pidge twerked to the midi version of mariah carey’s all i want for christmas

Hunk was like what’s twerking, but i know for a fact it was probably like dear theodosia from hamilton idk. Either way he seems to be more into dabbing. So does pidge tho idk

Keith stayed silent only bc he nkows that i know it was to that wake me up song (ofc this was him alone in his room… i was caught bc i was like keith u have no ass to twerk with, which i thought i had whispered bUT I GUESS NOT)

Personally, mine was all star by smashmouth 

Ofc while discussing this allura and conrad were like ,,, what is twerking ??? ? ?? Which led to a twerking competition and shit … so another productive day for the paldines 

Exes and oh’s (they haunt me)  
-shama llama shiro

——–——————————

Dear ddmcahainsmokers,

Do u ever think about the roommate back in boulder. They got their mattress stolen, my guy. Their fuckignf mattress. What the fuck

Like did they miss the mattress??? Also who the fuck just st3eals a mattress… how do u do that  
Was this the actual mattress from the roomates bed???? Or like just a spare one in the attic liek

I need answers

butte first

Lemme

Take a selfie

shalsey

——–——————————

Diary

Bees?

Shiro

——–——————————

Deers, 

You know what’s funny?

I miss starbucks. But like, I’ve never fucking been to starbucks. 

But i guess i miss capitalismn. And mermaids

And… capitalist mermaids??

Fuck u ariel

xo,  
shark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> L: u put ice in ur cereal ur not allowed to have standards


	6. *hampsterdance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in memory of laura who drowned via bloody nose  
> and in memory of my grades bc i chose to update this instead of doing my hw

Hello 

Itshme

I was wondering….. Why did they rip vine :(

Honk was like its nbd dude there’s always utube but i like what the fuck no ?????

U cant get that quality seven second life changing video on youtube its not the sAME HONK

Like 

YOUTUBE did nOT create the priceless vine where the little kid is like CHRIS IS THAT A WEED and then crhis is like no its a crayon and then the kid is like IM CALLING THE POLICE and then he goes to the fucking microwave and puts in 9:11 and then its like 911 whats your emergency with the x files theme

Or the dude whos got those yellow eyeball glasses and is like hello i am steve jobs and then models w a pink ipod nano and is like “.... ipod”

No honk u cant not get that shit on youtube

Unless its a compilation ,,

Mourning, 

shiro

\----------------------------------------

Dear,,, dare

sasuke uchiha did nothing wrong 

Fuck,

shirooo

Ps remember when dare was a thing u signed like no i will not do alcohol nd drink drugs

\----------------------------------------

My dearest diariest, 

I just had…. Like ht emost fucked up dream? It started off where like i was doing a spcae mission like no bi g me and all the other paladins were doin good until like shit went down and like the glara attacked us an d i sacrificed myself fo rmy children because i love them and then like i went to some alternate universe??????

But like

Fucking get this

It was  like a coffee shop au u kno

Except we were the coffee shops??????????

It was like starcrossed lovers, Lacne the Barstucks and (insiert keith name thing) and like they were buildings and they lvoed each other but their owners were rivals because you cant be a local business and compete with a chain u know like thats fuckin tough 

Like it was nice u know all the preppy rich kids went to starbucks i mean barstucks and all the artsy emo kids went to keith aka the local emo slam poetry hole i nthe wall  

Hunk was a bakery,,, pidge was a mailbox and i was a local Flanet Pitness  and the allura was a nice locally owned dance studio 

BUT THE HWERIDSEST PART (jk all of it was weird) WAS THE LIONSD???????????? AND ZARNON???????????????????????? I mean honestly even conrad was a trip

Like listen,,,, all the fuckin lions owned us. They were just regular fuvkin lions but they fuckin owned us 

Not like haha they burned us like whatever yesi know my shoes r ugly thank u pidge but like they were the owners but idfk how the hell lions owne d building how do they pay rent or taxes but like no one fucking asked questions and i guess tha was expected when ur mayor iS CONRAD???

The blue lion liked to rub against ppl like  a good kitty and get them to go to starucks and like red just sort of chilled and brooded,,, green delivered mail and did the blep to push it

yelo=low lion liked to roll in flour and give free samples only they were things that she made so they were burned and not very appetizing but everyone loved her anyway and them my lion just sort of 

Chased people to make them run faster

And like it was v romeo and juleit because after hours lance and keith made window eyes at each other and flirted and shit and we all couldnt MOVE AND LOOK AWAY BECAUSE WE WERE BUILIDNGS 

And like so red and blue lowkey hated wach other bc o f buisiness reasons and like respective clients like fought andh ated each other and also other buinesses had sides because of whatever part of the street u were on and shit and like idk 

MEANWHIL E ZARKOB was like?? the  YMGA (Young Men’s Galra Association) across town adn he just. Ran himself but Sendak was the youth instrucytor who taught all of the little galra how to swim and throw basketballs at each other’s faces. He kept complaining about how he used to have a lion to hepl but that’s sill ybc there are only five lions

Also the red lion was keith’s owner but behind the register was this weird galra dude with some A+ facial hair like?? How did he get his sideburns to do that, and this poor purple fuck was just constanyl crying bc he loved keith so much but his boss was a literal lion that would like. Gnaw on his leg a lil bit if he took too long or messed up an order or smthn (he quickly learned not to take too long or mess up an order) he also like mastered foam art during a break so the lion would not eat him and cried bc he only knew how to make hearts and leaves and the emo kids wanted like fucking the fall out boy logo and apprntly it’s v hard to make the fall out boy logo when ur tears keep falling into the coffee

\anyeyas like things started going tragic whenever like fucking keth started going out of business bc all the college emos went back home for summer break i guess idk and like HE DIED AND WENT BANKRUPT AND THE BUSINESS DIED rip keith and like that was the romeo and juliet ending and like idk lance cried coffee i guess

Last thing i remember is like a fcking bulldozer coming for me because they were making a gas station over the ashes of keith (i guess they burned him down or something idk fuck u katniss evergreen) and like it was coming for me 

And then i woke up and wrote this

Idk who i am anymore, 

Shiro (?)

Ps. i remembered that one vine where one kid has like shirts stuffed down his shirt to make it like boobs and hes like i saw u hanging out w katelyn yesterday and then the other one is like rebecca  its not what u think! Then rebecca is a fucking savage and pulls out a gun and is like i wont hesitate , betch

\------------------------------------------

Dear diary, 

I have just come upon the realization that with the deletion of vine, from which a majority of memes stem from, we will soon be at risk of meme deficit.  A meme recession.  

This is, in short, a nightmare. 

I am feeling very much like Anna when she was singing Do You Want to Build a Snowman and she very sadly asks Elsa “what are we gonna do?”

Will we have to revert back to ye olde ways of meme manufacturing???  

... I hope not. 

Rage comics were bad enough the first time around.

I will forever remember this era; an era of plenty, in which children laughed and teens were happy.  An era in which I could briefly ignore my debilitating psychological grievances, which consumed me like a dark void, hungry for idk... in favor of laughing at small children ram themselves knee-first into glass ovens.

In space nobody can hear u nut,

Shor 

P.S… I’m sucking my own dikk…. And dyyyyyying

P.S.P. bower puttom

PPS- *gasp* the wontons

PPPS mr sandman sand me a sand

\----------------------------------------

Drarry,

I’d kill for a pumpkin to carve rn. Jst. stab that motherfucker with my hand?? catharsis 

I can’t breathe thru my left nostril,

Shick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chat excerpt: "here i was.... all worride about copy right infringement and i jsut realized. ... the fucking title has starbucks in it" - brenda 
> 
> p.s thank u all so much for the love and support i love all of u as if u were my children and for that reason, i, a grown ass adult, am updating this at ass o clock in the am even tho i hvae to work and shit xx bredna 
> 
> p.p.s. dont take drugs from strangers - laura
> 
> p.p.p.s ps laura edition: i took a break from writing fanfic that lasted a few years adn voltron was the first fandom i wrote fic for since i got back into it and h onestly?? it's been so wonderful everyone is so kind and i was scared getting back into writing at first but now i'm just happy, everything is comfy and fun
> 
> pppppppppps ... we might do a lil something special when we hit a particular milestone lmfao stay posted xx


	7. cronch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was us doin like shiros eyeliner and just,,, wingin it

donkey,  


hey now

you're a hey now

get your hey now, hey now

this is what dreams are made of  


shillary duff

\-------------------------------

Dearest dear,  


Keith has been talking about cryptids for the past 2 hours and 27 minutes

I loaf cryptids as much as the next guy,,,, but like pls at least talk about urban legends or other conspiracy theories??  


Variety is the spice of life,

Shirt

\-------------------------------

D-donk,  


I had a nitemare

I ran out of eyeliner and there were no space sephoras and i just??? Ha d to live with unlined eyes like a fCKING SAVAGE???????????????

I like went in and double checked that i still had eyeliner in stock and i did bc jeepers loves me yes it’s true jeepers love me this i kno bc the bibble tells me so  


-shr

\-------------------------------

Diary,  


I have no recollection of writing the previous entry.  Either way it sounds like a terrifying nightmare.  


Shiro

\-------------------------------

Dear dog,

There was a biG hugE mug in my living room. And IDK thing and in the mug there was an alian in my ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). Then the alian was truned into a big huge huge huge huge huge [*spongebob narrator voice* 10 minutes later] huge huge huge huge huge dog and he dábed a lot. They call him sir dab-a-lot… then the iluminaty came and wtched the Xfiles and he loved sculbert and then he lisnd to 1D he love all the songs. Then lisind to “i dont wanna live forever” by Zayn Malik and taylor lautner. And Zayn dábed yo. And then i wrot a song that goes like blababalabliyvgPIFYCVg ba[u. Yeay. twrk twrk twrk twrk boiiiiiiiii. Then star wars came to life and everyone died because the ilyminaughty killed everyone GOD that’s so rude smh. Butt butt back to the dog he died. Harry potter and Hermiane and ron and Harry stylus, Liam pyan, ny’all horan, Louis tennis shoe, Zayn malik became a band agin o harry potter and hermiane and ron meet 1D. Back to the dog he did not die but the DC and Marval meet and they all dábed and plant kriptoin got destroyed. monkeys i want monkey for birthday ITS TOMMOROW ok.  :)

Shhhhhhhhhhhh. THE END.

OR IS IIIIIIIIT (AS HARRY STILS WOULD SAY).  


lob,

shake it by metro station

Ps. what exactly y is dabbing?? My children say it a lot idk

\-------------------------------

dear damara megido,  


baby baby

i feel

Blygmhfytvb .khfuib6drfgv.kyjrfjhkdgxgf tyfgvjmhvcy

cronchy

monch all nite

all nite

and the rest of

my life yea  


lamia,

shlav

\-------------------------------

Dear Diary,  


Note to self: Arusian wine is potent. Do not drink without the intention to become incapacitated for three days.  


Lying in bed,

Shiro

\-------------------------------

diary,

tbh sometimes it’s like i forget that i’m supposed to be defending the universe. i just have!! so many thoughts? it’s just that if i wanna talk about voltron i’ve got like six people and four mice i could do that with u kno. i can’t talk about my sephora nightmares with my kids that’s Embarrassing bc the first time i had a nightmare about sephora i was 14 and i ran out to the mall at like three am and keeth remembners, he KNOWS, even if he doesnt tell the others he would be thinking of it so i cannot afford to remind him

also it should be noted that we r maybe a few hours from arriving at the balmera to save shay adn her family. It feels like it was like five months since we met the purple stoner man and his banana friend but nah it’s been. maybe a week and a half. space travel  


time isn’t real,

Shark Twain

p.s. what……………. ever happened to those handcuffs……………………. squints @ lance

\-------------------------------

Dear dank,

….,,, do u think pigeons have feelngs?

I know pidge has feelings

But like _pigeons_

Lorve,

Shawty

 

\-------------------------

Dear dia from shugo chara,  


Why paris?  And why are they getting away from her parents???

Why was he wasted with someone else?

Is the someone else the roommoate??  


Sin cerely,

Shrong

Ps. are all of these hit chainsmoker songs re: youth nowadays and like u know. social commentary on the increasing significance of an “emerging adulthood” stage of life, in which young adults search for their identities and life goals, as proposed by J. J. Arnett in his

Ps . oh my god they were roommates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> laura: rec me some good vld fic  
> brenda: http://archiveofourown.org/works/7978546  
> laura: i read it but it hasnt updated in like five months
> 
> ((we're sorry))
> 
> (((ps one of the entries was written by brenda's kid sister w/ slight adjustments on our part see if u can guess which lmao)))


	8. naruto had too many aliens already

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i cant believe i was called out on my own countdown blog - laura (https://daysuntilvoltron.tumblr.com/post/164142298706/days-until-space-starbucks-updates)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi shout out to these wonderful people who did a video of them reading our story; this is like months late but pls know that that video never fails to bring a smile to my face thank you https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qvxmmSVeh4&spfreload=5 <333

dddear,

who remembers how keith reacted to mcr breaking up 

tbh if him n lance broke up he’d take it better than the mcr break up?? I think deep down he’s still hoping for them to get back together 

he was also like, “shiro u think one direction will get back together well thats what we thought with my chemical romance” 

He’s grounded 

/tips fedora,

boku no shiro academia   
  


\----------------------------   
  


Dear Diary,

Time is so distorted in space, honestly. It feels like we must have been in space for nearly a year by now, like, it has to have been at least five months since we set out towards Shay’s Balmera?? But no. Here we are. Just arriving now, in a perfectly timely fashion. Wild. 

Kisses,

Shiro   
  


\----------------------------   
  


Dreamworks,

honestly there should be a limit to how many lasers one creature can have on its person at any one given moment. like, what do u even need that many lasers for?? strobe lights?? could make a killing doing the lights for concerts tbh. if we hadn’t killed u that is. stay frosty. 

s IDE NOTE SHAY IS SUCh an absolute sweetheart?? i am absolutely adopting her because she is a Gift Unto This World, i dont think i even need to give her the shovel talk. she adn hunk r watching the sunrise together right now. also allura is dead but she’ll be fine thank u

intergalactic politics are so much less stressful than earth politics,

Shada, Jeremy   
  


\----------------------------   
  


d,

my nayme is shiro

im have a scar

rite on me nose   
  


im spayce dad

and my kids are

lancey lance

hunk is soft

keith is anger

and pidge knos   
  


wen its nite

im try to sleeb

but my kids r lound    
  


im so tire

snzzz    
  


bbye   
  


\----------------------------   
  


dear denny,

today i walked around a corner and right into keith and i was so surprised i instinctively said “oh hai mark” and he punched me in the face thank you good night

you’re tearing me apart keith,

shimmy wiseau

P.S. it didnt hurt bc keith has tiny baby hands   
  


\----------------------------   
  


my dearest dalton, 

paladins go out to drive on moon. they stop at on a at a side of space road. leader turn to kids. 

“kids, i love you very much” 

“what is it father” 

“our voltron is broken down. i think the engine is broken. ill space walk and get some more quintessence”

“ok. we’ll stay here and look after our blue lion sonar. there have been news report of blue lion sornsn being stolen”

“good idea. if anything happens to me i want keith to lead. i love you children of the corn” 

so leader left to get quintense for voltron. after two vargas the childrens say “where is my leader, he was supposed to be back by now”. then the childrens here a scratching sound and a voice say “LET ME IN” 

the childrens doesnt do it and then after a while they goes to sleeb. the next morning they wakes up and finds their leader still not there. they gets out to check and galra door paw cannon-arm voltron door

sincerely, 

shtale memes    
  


\----------------------------   
  


dear danzo shimura fuckwad extraordinaire,

SPEAKING OF TERRIBLE POLITICAL SYSTEMS: MASASHI KISHIMOTO WYD

like honestly WJAT kind of nonsense system allows orphaned children under the age of ten to live by themselves with nothing more than a monthly allowance like HONESTLY and where is the mental health care for these kids?? like i know a hospital was opened in one of the light novels but let’s be real here a lot of problems could have been avoided if the adults weren’t all useless sacks of garbage shit and the small tiny children got LOVE and SUPPORT  

i’m the ninja dad now. first order of business is that everyone over the age of 30 is Fired for being Terrible. second order of business is better fashion because some of these kids? what kind of fool wears a one-piece outfit with a high collar. the shame. 

bitter until the end of time,

shiro 

P.S. AND ANOTHER THING --    
  


\----------------------------   
  


dear doofinshmirtz, 

pidge drew me a picture

she's so talented 

ur, 

s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chat excerpt:   
> [4:47:05 PM] mothman: I hate being an adult   
> [4:47:21 PM] a humble goose: stop being an adult  
> [4:49:19 PM] mothman: Buddy ,, I wish I could cease being human  
> [4:49:33 PM] a humble goose: be a groundhog instead  
> [4:50:04 PM] mothman: That could be cool   
> Tbh if I had the choice i would go w cyborg   
> [4:50:42 PM] a humble goose: but then what if u get hacked  
> [5:18:47 PM] mothman: Super software   
> [5:18:49 PM] mothman: Unhackable 
> 
> bonus points if u guess who's who

**Author's Note:**

> Chat excerpt:  
> B: Shiro is a diy master and an expert pinterester  
> L: I bet Shiro builds furniture when he's stressed  
> “Shiro wtf is that” “LAWN FURNITURE” “WHERE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PUT LAWN FURNITURE WE’RE DRIFTING THROUGH THE VOID”  
> B: he gives it to species that want to picnic  
> L:“I cant believe picnics arent a universal constant this is an outrage”  
> B: "HOW DO U BOND AS A FAMILY"  
> L: "WHEN U CANT EVEN BOND CHAIR LEGS 2 the CHAIR ASS"


End file.
